So much stuff is smashed, often using the magnets. Is this a franchise-long obsession or simply a desperate attempt to find a new way to smash things after eight movies of smashing things without magnets? Hard for me to say with my limited exposure.
#WATCH FAST AND FURIOUS 4 WOW MOVIE MOVIE#
It’s not an exaggeration to say that the entire plot of this movie hinges on magnets. I understand that driving is their raison d’être (and potentially their source of income, though payment is never visibly exchanged and it’s unclear who would even be paying them and for what), but I don’t totally understand why. In general, the characters are driving constantly, so much so that when they get to a new place, they only ever stay there for a few minutes before driving once again. The Fasts (as the characters shall collectively be known) all seem profoundly addicted to the act of driving, even when a scene in no way requires driving.
Like the television show Friends, the Fast films seem to hinge on the notion that the audience unilaterally adores all of these characters and knows everything about them, and that’s why everything they say is funny and charming, even when they say things like “My ass is en fuego” or “This is like looking for Where’s Waldo at Harry Potter World” or “We got beautiful women, the best cars, the best everything.” What’s going on here? Everyone layers their shirts in a way that suggests virginity and the year 2008. Despite the overwhelming sense of sexual baggage and the complex interpersonal histories, nobody actually has any sex. The sheer quantity of long, intense glances in this film makes it seem like basically everyone has fucked one another or has lingering sexual tension because they wanted at one point to fuck one another but then didn’t. There’s a fair bit of punching, but it seems perfunctory. Most characters have a very detached, sarcastic approach to conflict. Certainly, everyone is fast, but for the most part, everyone remains calm, and there is a lot of hugging and discussing of feelings. My takeaway from the Fast and Furious films, based on one of them, is that nobody seems that furious. It’s not an exaggeration to say the entire plot of this movie hinges on magnets.
So I went into the theater merrily blind, asking myself one burning question: Would I be able to understand - and, more important, enjoy - F9 with absolutely zero context? Below is an account of my desperate attempt to make sense of the incestuous, destructive vision of the Fast family and to figure out what the hell was going on with everyone, all without doing any sort of ancillary research and paying only as much attention as is physically possible (84 percent). The second reason is that I am lazy, and the third is that it was funny to me. The first is that I knew there had to be other people out there like me: people who dissociate during action scenes and can’t tell any of the male characters apart people who forget what their rental car looks like four minutes after locking it and then can’t find it in the parking lot people who can’t understand why Vin Diesel, a shaved potato, is the star of a multibillion-dollar franchise that will continue to churn out related properties until long after we all die and people who wanted to see F9 despite all of this, mostly because there are basically four movies total in theaters right now. But I quickly decided against doing so for three reasons. I no longer have any idea what I like or what would be fun to do, and I have been inside a lot more cars than is typical, meaning I am approaching a better understanding of what they’re “about.” With all that in mind, I decided I really wanted to go to a movie theater and see F9, which I only now learned is actually the real title of the movie and not just something we’ve been saying at work to save time.īefore seeing the film, I wondered if it would be worth it to brush up on the Fast and Furious universe. However, the past year has changed everything I thought I knew about myself and cars.
As someone both bored by cars and troubled by profligate property damage, I knew innately that these movies were not for me. Notes on F9, and incest, from someone who hasn’t seen any of the other movies.įor nearly two decades, I have managed to learn very little about the Fast and Furious movies, save for the fact that they are about people crashing into one another’s nice cars on purpose.
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